By Brad Northrup
Cover photo courtesy of Mt. Spokane
As a domesticated middle-aged dude, I have way more responsibilities than I would care to, so I only get to go skiing on Sundays. And since that is my one and only day on the hill, I don’t really put much effort into checking the conditions prior to heading to the mountain. It could be 5 below zero with snow blowing sideways and every chair on wind hold, and I wouldn’t even bat an eye. No, my friends, the season is short and I’m going up no matter what. Now, for those of you who have to intently scrutinize the snow report like its an intelligence estimate from the CIA in order to make a decision whether to head to the mountain, I thought I would help by pointing out some of the subtleties that might escape the layperson.
“Variable Conditions”
Now this could damn well mean anything, but usually it equates to wind-scoured ice patches on the upper mountain, ankle-breaking crud that has the consistency of wet concrete at mid mountain, and paper-thin coverage mixed with gravel and chunks of tree branches on the lower mountain. Make sure your insurance is up to date prior to heading up….
“Precipitating”
If it was snowing, they would tell ya. But this means it is definitely not snowing. Yep, it’s the dreaded “R” word, but don’t sweat it. If you have the right gear, skiing in the rain can be a hoot. Well, until every stitch of clothing you own is soaked to the skin and you have to wring your gloves out when you head in for lunch. If you don’t care how you look, I might suggest cutting a hole at the top of a garbage bag and rocking it like a rain poncho. As a side note, I would suggest the large Hefty Extra Strong bags for lawn debris—they fit really well ….
“Limited Visibility”
Ever heard the phrase “skiing by braille”? This is it. Skiing is hard enough even with optimum conditions, but trying to slide down the mountain when you can’t see five feet in front of you is just a different kind of awful. And nothing will make you want to head straight for the car like goggles encrusted with frozen fog. Pro tip: Use the thumb you wipe your nose with to clear your goggles—the viscosity of snot helps facilitate the removal of ice crystals from your lenses.
“Firm and Fast”
If it hasn’t snowed for weeks, this is typically what is left to ski on. Any soft layer that existed is usually brushed down to the ice layer by mid-morning, leaving you to negotiate an uneven, frozen river pock-marked with death cookies and littered with debris from fallen skiers who couldn’t set an edge if their lives depended on it. If you haven’t had your skis tuned for a few years, this is not the day for you. But, if you did, then godspeed.
“Thin Crust Over Fresh Powder”
Now don’t let the “fresh powder” part of this fool ya. Sure, there might be some quality snow lurking under that so-called thin crust, but getting to it is gonna cost ya if you are snagging first tracks. First off, breaking through the crust is going to take more effort than it is worth. And even once you do break through it, I guarantee you will have non-existent control over your sticks. Oh, and that crust you worked so hard to muscle through? Yeah, it has a sharpness akin to an obsidian blade used by surgeons. But I guess you will figure that out when you roll into the bar with the bottoms of your $400 North Face pants shredded to ribbons while those around you quietly snicker. But, hey, at least you scored some fresh powder, right?
Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski industry professional. He gets excited when conditions are firm and fast.
